My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
