Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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