I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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