I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
