A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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