I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
