I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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