Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
