im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
