I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
