i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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