You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
