Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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