I need help removing her.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
