I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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