Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
