Your face is a jimmy john
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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