my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
