Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
