She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
