And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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