got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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