I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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