i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
did i walk over a car last night?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Randomize
