my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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