i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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