Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
