We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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