I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
