we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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