I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
