he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Randomize
