So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
