don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
