Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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