I wish I only lived at night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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