You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
