Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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