Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
