guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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