Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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