my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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