rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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