the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
