She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
