Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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