How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
