I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
