Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
