i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
