i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
